Ramblings of a delusional dumbass

27 September Especially when working, listening to the same song over and over again gets me in "the zone". I accidentally discovered this some time back, and I am not the only one to come to this realisation. There have been a few studies on why this happens. Turns out, it is because with repetition, our mind is accustomed to anticipating what comes next, and tunes itself into it, cutting away out mental distractions we may have. I have a two part theory on why this works for me- 1. It acts as a filter for external distractions. I always wear headphones when I'm working, and turn the volume up just enough that the song I'm playing shadows the other sounds. This is well withing permissible limits. As long as there isn't a heavy duty construction going on outside the window, this blocks out minor sounds, giving me a sense of being within my own sanctuary. 2. It sets up a working rhythm. I have experimented with different genres of music and I have found

26 September 2016 I like to wallow in it like pig in filth. I have a broad overview of what constitutes success, and hitting any of those milestones is enough for me to get a massive ego boost that takes its own sweet time to deflate. I love to bring up old achievements, however small they may be- in order to feel good about myself. Mental masturbation never was better. This gives me a I-am-better-than-you syndrome, for longer than what is necessary. This also inhibits my growth and lowers/ alters my growth trajectory considerably. By the time I realize what's happening, I'm already crashing, swimming in a deep pit of anxiety and self loathing. Back to square negative one. At this point, not only should I concentrate on working my way up, but I should also spend time and efforts into cajoling myself to not feel so bad about others being better than me. I sound like a narcissist, but that's only because I am. Sort of. Waste of time. I think this is why Stoicism at

26 September 2016 It is no longer fun to go on facebook anymore. There's too much drama and butt kissing on there, and there are also people who are way more talented than I am, which makes me depressed. But I still go on online all the time. I'm like a heroin addict who keeps shooting up more and more even though he knows it's fucking killing him. For the first time, I have begun logging out of facebook on my main computers and my phone. But it hasn't helped. In fact it has only made it worse. I log out and then I'm back online in a few minutes, and I waste the entire day refreshing facebook. It doesn't help that my job requires me to go on facebook to get work done. So, every time I start working on facebook posts for clients, I go down the rabbit hole and before I know it, I'm dicking around without a purpose for hours on end. It feels exactly like an addiction. I know that going on facebook is counter productive. I know that most of the posts I se

24 September 2016 The last time I had done this was way back when I was freelancing- two years ago. Surprisingly, I am most active with six hour sleep cycles. I am more alert throughout the day and I'll have less distractions. But the only downside is that I crash hard at bed time. I don't mid this much, because I'll have to strictly structure my day within the eighteen hour block I get. This gives me a better control over what i do with my waking hours, so less wasting time and more productivity. Back then however, I used to put the extra two hours of wakefulness to use by exercising and reading. Something that I strictly believe helped me immensely with productivity, concentration et al. I'm doing neither of those now. It's been only a couple of weeks since I've reduced my sleep hours, and I'm slowly slipping into a lethargic, zombie like state. My body's adjusted itself to the new sleep timings. My mind however, is still catching up, rather er

"I promise I won't try to stab you again" Well, that's reassuring. Bitch. She tried reaching her hand out to feel my abdomen where she had plunged a good part of the six inch kitchen knife just weeks ago. I instinctively slapped her hand away. "Hey!" She looked hurt. She wasn't, although I hoped she was. "Look, just get away from me. I want nothing to do with you" "But I do" She inched closer. Damn her pretty blue eyes. They were actually a dark shade of brown, but she always made me call them blue. "Look, if this is about the cheating, I just want you to know that you are better in bed and I was thinking of you the whole time" "What the fuck does that even mean?" "He was so small, I could hardly feel him inside me" "Great" There was no point talking to her. I was trying to be the bigger guy and let this die out on its own. Silence. And I knew that the shit show would begin