Ramblings of a delusional dumbass

A favourite childhood memory of mine is me coming home from school to a mound of steaming rice topped with a ladle of thick pappu (boiled mashed green gram) and a generous helping of homemade ghee surrounded by a moat of tangy chinta charu (tamarind rasam).  It was my first tryst with nostalgia. The first bite would transport me back to simpler times when the school days and my trousers were both half in measure. I’ve always maintained that my ammi, my late grandmother, invented the dish. One of the most unfortunate outcomes of her passing was the loss of the recipe. You might think I’m being inconsiderate, but the dish is to die for. And my mother’s version just doesn’t taste like what ammi used to make. I’d been on the hunt for this elusive dish for years. I’ve scrounged around the annals of the internet long enough to know that it isn’t familiar, let alone popular. So, I took it upon myself to recreate the dish, from memory.  It took me years to perfect it. The pappu was ea...

You don't cook the egg burji. The egg burji cooks itself. - Someone who's not me Egg burji is what you get when you try to make an omlet, but you lack the dexterity to flip semi cooked eggs, and break it. Ok, that joke is done to death, buried, resurrected and buried again. That's only because it's true. So, it's best to skip the being careful part and jump right into the sloppy, careless fuckery that results in a glorious mouth orgasm. An egggasm. Egg burjji is essentially desi scrambled egg. Like all other egg recipes, there are a million ways you can cook the burji. The egg is the only main ingredient. The rest are just filler stuff. So, Eliminate. Experiment. Enjoy.   Gordon Ramsy has an interesting way to make good scrambled eggs. (link here) Watch that. Now, we'll do the exact opposite of  what the Michelin star chef made, in order to make the perfect sides for beer/ rice- sambhar/ chappati/ egg sandwich etc. Viva la eggalusion! Chop a m...

            I wasn’t gonna introduce meat into this section yet, but I accidentally made the best goddamn pepper chicken the other day after a fight with my sister. There is no cooking like spite cooking. You focus all your hate and other “negative energy” into cooking the best goddamn meal you can. So here is the recipe. You vegetarian folks needn’t despair, a modified version of this recipe can be adapted to make pepper potato or pepper brinjal. I will post my experiments in the future. Note: All measurements for half a kilo chicken.  Adjust accordingly.             Make sure you have pepper powder at home. Lots of it. I didn’t have any, so I fried some peppercorns, and hand ground them. Like a man. You know what, fuck that store bought shit, fry a hand full of pepper and grind them with your bare knuckles. A great stress reliever. Also releases any nasal congestion you may have. Fir...

    Back in my day, Sundays always meant two things- Dosae and chutney for breakfast, and one Kannada movie on Doordarshan at 4 pm. This was a strict routine in most of the houses where I lived (and for all the five people who read this, where you lived as well). People would actually feign surprise if one had had anything other than Dosae (or an occasional Idly) for breakfast. Dosaes were served with chutney,and if your mom was in the mood, potato palya.    Chutney. There are over a hundred thousand varieties of chutnies, and I'm not exaggerating. What's unique about this humble side dish is that it tastes different depending on the one who makes it. If your mother makes chutney, it tastes like your childhood, flooding nostalgia in your mouth. If your disgruntled wife makes it, it will taste like her cries about your selfish insensitive self who doesn't care about of any of her needs and her tears. So sad. But seriously, if just want some chutney to go with...

I wonder why it's called butter milk. It's made from yogurt, and the butter's been removed. Why don't we just call it low fat, no butter yogurt? Another one of life's great mysteries. Anyway, by the end of this post you must have the theoretical know hows of how to make a decent to half decent, scratch that, you will know how to make the best fucking majjige you have ever tasted. It will be so good, you will want to live on a majjige diet for the rest of your life. Why do you think i'm so lean , and sexy.                         This is me, minus the pretty face, abs, and I usually have my pants on at all times. This is a really simple recipe.  You don't have to turn on the stove at least, there by cutting down the risk of accidentally burning the house down to zero. Unless you really do want to burn the hose down and are using this as an excuse. Which is cool by me. Just don't blame me. There are two ways to make b...

Me : Hey, can you cook? Random person, who is not necessarily not a girl : Only easy stuff like Dosas, and Chapattis... (sheepish smile)  82.36% of all Indians, (88.75% if you take only south Indians into account) claim that they can cook Dosa with ease. Only problem is Dosas are not easy to make. Sure, spreading a ladle of dosa batter on the hot tawa and flipping it over is easy. But that is not making dosa, that is merely spreading a ladle of dosa batter on the hot tawa and flipping it over. By that account, i can open a bag of chips, doesn't mean I can make them! Actually, I can make chips (sheepish smile), but that is not why. Making dosa requires years of experience, a fine understanding of the cooking utensils at your disposal, and if possible a masters degree in advanced thermodynamics. It requires the patience of a saint. Not only are you making a simple dish, but you will be experiencing transcendental bliss, a philosophical enlightenment which will enhance your liv...

Most cookery books or cookery shows teach you how to cook exotic foods. Elaborate dishes whose names are just as exotic as the places they come from. You have these internationally acclaimed chefs with chefy sounding names like Heston or Nigella teaching you how to make stuff that they promise, will leave your guests wanting for more. Here’s the thing, most people, way over 90% of them, don’t try out any of those dishes. You know this. I know that you know this. How many times has your mother or wife threatened to murder you in your sleep when you try to change channels when they are watching their favorite cookery shows? I’ve lost count of mine. And how many times have they cooked any of those dishes? That’s right. He: Honey, quick! Turn on the news! There’s an alien invasion!!! She: Not now. I’m watching Nigella make chocolate stuffed chocolate balls covered in gold wrappings, served with chocolate syrup. He: That’s just chocolate all over… You know that stare she g...

"We Indians are so shy, that sometimes it makes uslook like fucking idiots" - Anonymous Indian This is what happens whenyou go visit a friend-but-not-such-­a-close-friend-that-­you'd-let-them-borro­w-your-iron-maiden-c­d, or when you accompany yourfriend (the one with whom you wouldn't mind sharing your iron maiden cd) to his friend's house who is essentially a stranger to you. You better read that again, it's confusing as hell. After verbal pleasantries and small talk, your host, usually a middle aged aunty who's wearing a duppatta over her nightie asks you with a wide smile"Tea or Coffee?" And you immediately reply with a "No, i've just had some", or something to that effect, with an equally wide smile, even though the last time you had coffee was way back in the morning before you went to the john. At this point all conversations take a back seat, and that tea- coffee tangent suddenly becomes important. The host is hel...