Men can cook: The best goddamn pepper chicken

            I wasn’t gonna introduce meat into this section yet, but I accidentally made the best goddamn pepper chicken the other day after a fight with my sister. There is no cooking like spite cooking. You focus all your hate and other “negative energy” into cooking the best goddamn meal you can. So here is the recipe. You vegetarian folks needn’t despair, a modified version of this recipe can be adapted to make pepper potato or pepper brinjal. I will post my experiments in the future.

Note: All measurements for half a kilo chicken.  Adjust accordingly.

            Make sure you have pepper powder at home. Lots of it. I didn’t have any, so I fried some peppercorns, and hand ground them. Like a man. You know what, fuck that store bought shit, fry a hand full of pepper and grind them with your bare knuckles. A great stress reliever. Also releases any nasal congestion you may have.

First, we prepare the masala. Things that need to go into the blender- one medium sized onion- chopped, one medium sized tomato- chopped, one and a half tea spoon garlic- ginger paste, cinnamon- half an inch wide, 4-5 cloves. Grinde it well. Add little to no water- it should be a thick coarse paste. You’ll know it’s done when it looks like blended chicken.

Then get your chicken. You can go full Zuckerberg and kill it yourself, or get it from your local butcher. Don’t buy that packed, frozen shit, you are better off starving. The chicken has to be chopped into small pieces (ask for kebab pieces at your butchers. It’s ok, he doesn’t have to know that you are not making kebabs). Wash it well. Twice- with different water.

Dice one onion.

            Preheat a wok (kadai/ banale) on the stove- full flame. Add 3-4 tablespoons of oil- refined or vegetable oil only. Let it heat a bit- 12- 15 seconds. Reduce heat, add the diced onion, two table spoons of turmeric powder, fry well. Fry until you are no longer cry-coughing. The onion would have turned transparent by then.

            Add your chicken to the wok, stir it well. Every piece of chicken should get a nice coating of the yellow oil. Stir it well. Should take you less than a minute. It will look dry. Don’t add water.

            Close a lid over the wok (a plate will do), make sure the flame is medium high and fuck off for the next 7- 10 minutes. Get out of the kitchen. Do not open the lid every 43 seconds to check what’s happening. This is what will happen- between minutes 3 and 4 the chicken will lose water and oils. Between minutes 5 and 7 the chicken will cook in the water and oils.

            Get your ass back in the kitchen after 7 minutes. If the water still exists, let it cook for a couple more minutes. Fuck off and come back later.

            Now, add some salt and pepper. A little more than a tea spoon of salt and a bunch of pepper should do fine. The pepper is the predominant flavor here, so add accordingly. I just added a bunch, never recorded the exact amount. Ask your mom to add it. She’ll know.

            Stir it well, well coated chicken and everything. Close the lid, fuck off for another ten minutes.

            Ten minutes later, add the masala from before. Add a little bit of water, mix it all up. Add a tea spoon of red chilli powder, and a tea spoon of sambar powder. I know I sound like a retard, but add the sambar powder, it’s necessary for taste and color purposes. Mix well again. Close the lid, and let it come to a boil. When the water begins to boil, reduce the flame a bit- not entirely low- and cook on an open flame, stirring occasionally until the dish is dry to your liking. Don’t fucking burn it.

            There. That’s it. Go enjoy your pepper chicken now.