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Tea or coffee?

"We Indians are so shy, that sometimes it makes uslook like fucking idiots" -

Anonymous Indian
This is what happens whenyou go visit a friend-but-not-such-­a-close-friend-that-­you'd-let-them-borro­w-your-iron-maiden-c­d, or when you accompany yourfriend (the one with whom you wouldn't mind sharing your iron maiden cd) to his friend's house who is essentially a stranger to you. You better read that again, it's confusing as hell.

After verbal pleasantries and small talk, your host, usually a middle aged aunty who's wearing a duppatta over her nightie asks you with a wide smile"Tea or Coffee?"

And you immediately reply with a "No, i've just had some", or something to that effect, with an equally wide smile, even though the last time you had coffee was way back in the morning before you went to the john.

At this point all conversations take a back seat, and that tea- coffee tangent suddenly becomes important.

The host is hell bent on serving you that Tea (or coffee) and you are just as adamant on not drinking it.Why should you? Your parents taught you to refuse candy from strangers. As you grew up the pleasures of candy was replaced by the pleasures of coffee, so it's the same thing now.

However, research shows that people do drink that coffee 98.36% of the time, after refusing for atleast a couple of times of course.

It takes years of experience, a serious study of the human behaviour and a deep understanding of the human psychology to successfully deny the smothering hospitality thatthe host provides. It's either that or you say "I don't drink tea or coffee" and plaster a smug smile on your face, contempt that you've won the battle.But the host won't go down that easy. No, no. That is one strong mother. She uses another tactic"How about some milk?"

"No aunty, I don't drink milk either".

Smug smile.

This is a very tricky situation you've got yourself into. There are only two thing that offend Indian moms-

1. Telling her you are an atheist. It's impact is amplified if she's accompanied by her kid(s). Once you declare that you don't believe in a divine entity, it quickly puts ideas into the kid's head, kids arevery impressionable that way. Who knows this better than the mom? She quickly starts defending the existence of God, hoping to drown your words with her high pitched wailing before they are processed by her kid's brain. Just imagine the chaos the kid could create if he believes God doesn't exist. A God who is supposed to punish you if you do wrong, suddenly ceases to exist! The mom can no longer use the "God is watching you" card. Thatis probably the only thing that's preventing 4 year olds from taking over the world.

2. Telling her that you don't drink milk. This is worse, because the kid now realizes that he doesn't have to drink milk. Up until that point the thought of refusing milk wouldn't have even entered the realm me the kid's thoughts, no matter how ever much (s)he hates drinking it. The kid is taught to drink milk even before it begins to think. Similar to religious indoctrination.

At this point either of these two things can happen-

1. She goes on and on about the health benefits of milk. She tells you how milk makes you strong and how it's got calcium and everything. You're tempted to tell her that humans have only started domesticating cattle as recently as ten thousand years ago, and that our digestive system has not quite adjusted to processing dairy products yet. But you don't. You just zip it.

2. She offers you juice. Now you can't really refuse this, because seriously, what areyou gonna say? "I don't drink water, aunty"? So juice it is! It is safer with juice anyway. She gives you some, she gives her little kids some, and it's highly unlikely that she would spike the drink she would give to her kids.

By this time, you would've forgotten why you went there in the first place. You finish your juice, and you leave.

Unless the hostess insists on you having lunch...

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