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How I handle success

26 September 2016

I like to wallow in it like pig in filth. I have a broad overview of what constitutes success, and hitting any of those milestones is enough for me to get a massive ego boost that takes its own sweet time to deflate. I love to bring up old achievements, however small they may be- in order to feel good about myself. Mental masturbation never was better. This gives me a I-am-better-than-you syndrome, for longer than what is necessary. This also inhibits my growth and lowers/ alters my growth trajectory considerably. By the time I realize what's happening, I'm already crashing, swimming in a deep pit of anxiety and self loathing.

Back to square negative one.

At this point, not only should I concentrate on working my way up, but I should also spend time and efforts into cajoling myself to not feel so bad about others being better than me. I sound like a narcissist, but that's only because I am. Sort of.

Waste of time.

I think this is why Stoicism attracts me so much, even though I only have a fairly vague idea of what it actually is. I have an audio book or a pdf of Marcus Aurelius's Meditations some where, I need to fish it out and read (study) it soon. But I have a dozen fucking books that need my attention.

I need more discipline and a refined work ethic. I should stop dicking around. I need some sort of semblance in life.
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