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The Best House MD fan fiction ever (SFW)


This was written within a week of the massive Maggi unrest of 2015. If you are a historian from the future then you should know that the past is not as great as it is made out to be.

"It's not cancer" Cameron said, distraught

"Of course it's cancer" House leaned on his wounded leg, the sharp searing pain blocking out his own doubts. "It has to be"

"House!" Foreman said, calling out on his bullshit "The radiation treatment isn't working. She's getting worse. It's not cancer"

The room fell silent for a minute. Foreman continued, calmly "We have to stop the radiation before it further weakens her immune system"

"So. What behaves like cancer when it isn't cancer?" House asked no one in particular

"It could be an infection" said Cameron

"No fever" Foreman said

"Food poisoning"

"It can't be. No..."

"You idiots!" House said, walking out of his office. Cameron and Foreman following him closely. "She's a 20 year old college student staying away from home."

"Which is diagnostically irrelevant" Foreman said. He had had enough of these games.

"Oh, but it is" House strode into the patient's room.

"House!" Cameron whined. She had had enough of his games as well.

The patient's mother got up from her chair as she saw the charade walk in.

"So" He said to the patient, "how long have you been poisoning your self?"
The patient looked confused.

"I'm sorry?!" The mother said, appalled at the accusation. "Who are you?" She turned to Dr. Cameron

"Who is he?"

"That's Dr. House. I am so sorry for his behaviour"

"There's no need to be sorry." He didn't take his yes off the patient. "Been sniffing paint lately? Is that what gets you off?"

"Dr. HOUSE!" the mother said.

"N... no" the patient muttered.

"What's your favorite food?"

"What?"

House scratched his brow, annoyed at the patient's stupidity "What's your favourite food? What do you like to eat a lot?"

"Maggi noodles"

An all knowing smile crept on his face.

"I usually eat it twice a day. Sometimes four or five times."
1pt;">

"That much Maggi on a daily basis" said House, "can deposit a large amount of lead in the system. Lead, which can neutralize the radiation treatments we have been giving her" He turned to his team and paused, to allow for the revelation to sink in to their primitive brains.

"Start her on chelation for the lead poisoning. And when the lead is flushed out of her system you can start with radiation, chemo and the usual cancer works" he looked at his team with a twinkle in his eye.


"It's still cancer"
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