Skip to main content

The Best House MD fan fiction ever (SFW)


This was written within a week of the massive Maggi unrest of 2015. If you are a historian from the future then you should know that the past is not as great as it is made out to be.

"It's not cancer" Cameron said, distraught

"Of course it's cancer" House leaned on his wounded leg, the sharp searing pain blocking out his own doubts. "It has to be"

"House!" Foreman said, calling out on his bullshit "The radiation treatment isn't working. She's getting worse. It's not cancer"

The room fell silent for a minute. Foreman continued, calmly "We have to stop the radiation before it further weakens her immune system"

"So. What behaves like cancer when it isn't cancer?" House asked no one in particular

"It could be an infection" said Cameron

"No fever" Foreman said

"Food poisoning"

"It can't be. No..."

"You idiots!" House said, walking out of his office. Cameron and Foreman following him closely. "She's a 20 year old college student staying away from home."

"Which is diagnostically irrelevant" Foreman said. He had had enough of these games.

"Oh, but it is" House strode into the patient's room.

"House!" Cameron whined. She had had enough of his games as well.

The patient's mother got up from her chair as she saw the charade walk in.

"So" He said to the patient, "how long have you been poisoning your self?"
The patient looked confused.

"I'm sorry?!" The mother said, appalled at the accusation. "Who are you?" She turned to Dr. Cameron

"Who is he?"

"That's Dr. House. I am so sorry for his behaviour"

"There's no need to be sorry." He didn't take his yes off the patient. "Been sniffing paint lately? Is that what gets you off?"

"Dr. HOUSE!" the mother said.

"N... no" the patient muttered.

"What's your favorite food?"

"What?"

House scratched his brow, annoyed at the patient's stupidity "What's your favourite food? What do you like to eat a lot?"

"Maggi noodles"

An all knowing smile crept on his face.

"I usually eat it twice a day. Sometimes four or five times."
1pt;">

"That much Maggi on a daily basis" said House, "can deposit a large amount of lead in the system. Lead, which can neutralize the radiation treatments we have been giving her" He turned to his team and paused, to allow for the revelation to sink in to their primitive brains.

"Start her on chelation for the lead poisoning. And when the lead is flushed out of her system you can start with radiation, chemo and the usual cancer works" he looked at his team with a twinkle in his eye.


"It's still cancer"
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rock you like a hurricane- Meaning and analysis (WARNING! NSFW, NSFSP)

NOTE: I had written this about a week ago, but didn't post it because I didn't think it was something that would appeal to teh general public. I still don't think it does that but I am suffering from an acute case of  "IDontGiveAFuckitis" so here it is. I don't give a fuck what you think about this, but if you are going to run to my mom and complain about what I do online just because it doesn't go down well with you it just makes you an immature and incompetent pussy. Seriously, this is the internet, get a life. The time is 2247 as I am writing this. A little sleep deprived, and a whole lot of self hatred and shame swimming about my aurashitpiss. I have a ton of writing work that needs my immediate attention, but I chose to do this. Arrogance? Dipshitness is more like it. Moving on... So I was listening to Rock you like a hurricane by Scorpions earlier this evening, while I was doing the dishes (yeah, i'm cool that way). I mean i wasn't even...
1 comment
Read more

Clubhouse. CoWin. China.

If you feel an odd sense of deja vu while reading this piece, then you've spent too much time switching between Facebook and Clubhouse. Unless you've been living underground or in a home with ACT broadband, you know what Clubhouse is - it is where many people can have their Mann ki Baat at once. And Facebook has turned into a platform to critique, analyse and make fun of discussions that happen on Clubouse. Congrats Clubhouse, you just replaced the Indian Government, at least as far as Facebook discourses go. Clubhouse is more or less an impulsive, live podcast session - an open space where everyone is made to feel like Joe Rogan. But no one talks about DMT or shaved gorillas or MMA or shaved gorillas doing MMA while on DMT. But it always does sound like everyone is on something stronger than the devil's lettuce. Maybe you need that to hear your own thoughts over the din of uncomprehensive ramblings and mouth-breathing noises. Speaking of noises, Saudi Arabia restricted the...
1 comment
Read more

The end; and a new beginning

          Before I chew your mind : This blog post is in response to my friend Harish’s vlog . He had done a “user request vlog” once, and I had suggested a topic- ‘ How did you start doing something ’(links at the end). I also promised him that I’d write a blog post on that subject if he ever did that video. He did make that video (he makes some pretty cool game play videos as well, worth checking it out if you are a gamer), and that’s why you find yourself reading this right now.             I think I had an idea of what I would write about when I gave him the topic. However, for the love of God (or Batman) I can’t seem to remember what that was. I’m making it up with this one, hope it’s ok bro :) FADE IN: Superimpose “THE END” on black background FADE OUT TO BLACK: <insert new title>           This is where I (...
3 comments
Read more