I wasn’t
gonna introduce meat into this section yet, but I accidentally made the best
goddamn pepper chicken the other day after a fight with my sister. There is no
cooking like spite cooking. You focus all your hate and other “negative energy”
into cooking the best goddamn meal you can. So here is the recipe. You
vegetarian folks needn’t despair, a modified version of this recipe can be
adapted to make pepper potato or pepper brinjal. I will post my experiments in
the future.
Note: All measurements for half a kilo chicken. Adjust accordingly.
Make sure
you have pepper powder at home. Lots of it. I didn’t have any, so I fried some
peppercorns, and hand ground them. Like a man. You know what, fuck that store
bought shit, fry a hand full of pepper and grind them with your bare knuckles. A
great stress reliever. Also releases any nasal congestion you may have.
First, we prepare the masala. Things
that need to go into the blender- one medium sized onion- chopped, one medium
sized tomato- chopped, one and a half tea spoon garlic- ginger paste, cinnamon-
half an inch wide, 4-5 cloves. Grinde it well. Add little to no water- it
should be a thick coarse paste. You’ll know it’s done when it looks like
blended chicken.
Then get your chicken. You can go
full Zuckerberg and kill it yourself, or get it from your local butcher. Don’t
buy that packed, frozen shit, you are better off starving. The chicken has to
be chopped into small pieces (ask for kebab pieces at your butchers. It’s ok,
he doesn’t have to know that you are not making kebabs). Wash it well. Twice-
with different water.
Dice one onion.
Preheat a
wok (kadai/ banale) on the stove- full flame. Add 3-4 tablespoons of oil-
refined or vegetable oil only. Let it heat a bit- 12- 15 seconds. Reduce heat,
add the diced onion, two table spoons of turmeric powder, fry well. Fry until
you are no longer cry-coughing. The onion would have turned transparent by
then.
Add your
chicken to the wok, stir it well. Every piece of chicken should get a nice
coating of the yellow oil. Stir it well. Should take you less than a minute. It
will look dry. Don’t add water.
Close a lid
over the wok (a plate will do), make sure the flame is medium high and fuck off
for the next 7- 10 minutes. Get out of the kitchen. Do not open the lid every
43 seconds to check what’s happening. This is what will happen- between minutes
3 and 4 the chicken will lose water and oils. Between minutes 5 and 7 the
chicken will cook in the water and oils.
Get your ass
back in the kitchen after 7 minutes. If the water still exists, let it cook for
a couple more minutes. Fuck off and come back later.
Now, add
some salt and pepper. A little more than a tea spoon of salt and a bunch of
pepper should do fine. The pepper is the predominant flavor here, so add
accordingly. I just added a bunch, never recorded the exact amount. Ask your
mom to add it. She’ll know.
Stir it
well, well coated chicken and everything. Close the lid, fuck off for another
ten minutes.
Ten minutes
later, add the masala from before. Add a little bit of water, mix it all up.
Add a tea spoon of red chilli powder, and a tea spoon of sambar powder. I know
I sound like a retard, but add the sambar powder, it’s necessary for taste and
color purposes. Mix well again. Close the lid, and let it come to a boil. When
the water begins to boil, reduce the flame a bit- not entirely low- and cook on
an open flame, stirring occasionally until the dish is dry to your liking. Don’t
fucking burn it.
There.
That’s it. Go enjoy your pepper chicken now.
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