Ramblings of a delusional dumbass

The UN recently declared that a mother’s love towards her children is directly proportional to the tastiness of the chitranna she makes. Which doesn’t say much because the quality of chitranna is measured on a binary scale- it’s either wonderful or aweful. Most people I know who hate chitranna are also the same ones who are unable to appreciate the finer nuances in life. Unprofessional humans. Chitranna happens to be one of the go to breakfasts of Indian mothers because of its ease in making, simplicity of ingredients and it being a great way to get rid of last nights’ leftover rice- your share of rice- which you didn’t eat because you had gobi fried rice at the corner shop 12 minutes before dinner time although our mother warned you not to. This type of chitranna is a punishment of sorts- bland, colourless, and even the bloody kadle beeja tastes bitter. Then there’s the chitranna your mother makes for special occasions, especially when you have guests over. The one with cashews ...

Disclaimer 1: I have never cooked Biriyani. I know at least three different styles of cooking it but I have never, and hopefully never will try cooking Biriyani. i don't want to demystify this mythical wonder. This was originally written for a friend of mine, and the Biriyani apparently turned out really good. So reposting it here for the greater good. Disclaimer 2: This is not really a biriyani recipe. It is a pulao- biriyani hybrid, and is based on Ambur biriyani and the kind of biriyani my mom makes. It is easy to cook, tastes amazing (or so I presume) and that is all that matters. Ingredients- FOR MARINATION: Chicken- 1 kg- small pieces. Biriyani usually uses large pieces, but using small pieces will cut down on the cooking time and will also keep the chicken evenly cooked throughout. Yoghurt- 1.5 tbsp Turmeric Ginger garlic paste- 1 tbsp Red chilli powder- 0.5 tbsp Salt- to taste Biriyani masala- .5 tsp (optional) Mix all the above ingredients, ensuring all the...

You don't cook the egg burji. The egg burji cooks itself. - Someone who's not me Egg burji is what you get when you try to make an omlet, but you lack the dexterity to flip semi cooked eggs, and break it. Ok, that joke is done to death, buried, resurrected and buried again. That's only because it's true. So, it's best to skip the being careful part and jump right into the sloppy, careless fuckery that results in a glorious mouth orgasm. An egggasm. Egg burjji is essentially desi scrambled egg. Like all other egg recipes, there are a million ways you can cook the burji. The egg is the only main ingredient. The rest are just filler stuff. So, Eliminate. Experiment. Enjoy.   Gordon Ramsy has an interesting way to make good scrambled eggs. (link here) Watch that. Now, we'll do the exact opposite of  what the Michelin star chef made, in order to make the perfect sides for beer/ rice- sambhar/ chappati/ egg sandwich etc. Viva la eggalusion! Chop a m...

Eggs are like non-veg potatoes. Extremely versatile. There are literally hundreds of ways to cook an egg, and you can never go wrong. Unless you want a boiled egg. Fucking boiled eggs.  It took me years, literally YEARS, to learn how to make good boiled eggs. It has one ingredient. The fucking egg. Cooked in water. That is all there is to it. And I have spent hours on end trying to cook it right. Peeling the egg is a pain in the ass. Uncooked egg is a pain in the ass. Wordsworth should have written a poem on peeling badly cooked boiled eggs. The pain, the agony, the depressing frustration of having wasted a perfectly good egg.  Lets take a step back and learn what makes a good  boiled egg-  1. It should be cooked through. The egg whites have to be cooked to soft, silky consistency. The yolk can range from runny yellow liquid awesomeness to soft yellow mushy awesomeness. 2. The shell should peel right. Without the end product looking like the left...

            I wasn’t gonna introduce meat into this section yet, but I accidentally made the best goddamn pepper chicken the other day after a fight with my sister. There is no cooking like spite cooking. You focus all your hate and other “negative energy” into cooking the best goddamn meal you can. So here is the recipe. You vegetarian folks needn’t despair, a modified version of this recipe can be adapted to make pepper potato or pepper brinjal. I will post my experiments in the future. Note: All measurements for half a kilo chicken.  Adjust accordingly.             Make sure you have pepper powder at home. Lots of it. I didn’t have any, so I fried some peppercorns, and hand ground them. Like a man. You know what, fuck that store bought shit, fry a hand full of pepper and grind them with your bare knuckles. A great stress reliever. Also releases any nasal congestion you may have. Fir...

    Back in my day, Sundays always meant two things- Dosae and chutney for breakfast, and one Kannada movie on Doordarshan at 4 pm. This was a strict routine in most of the houses where I lived (and for all the five people who read this, where you lived as well). People would actually feign surprise if one had had anything other than Dosae (or an occasional Idly) for breakfast. Dosaes were served with chutney,and if your mom was in the mood, potato palya.    Chutney. There are over a hundred thousand varieties of chutnies, and I'm not exaggerating. What's unique about this humble side dish is that it tastes different depending on the one who makes it. If your mother makes chutney, it tastes like your childhood, flooding nostalgia in your mouth. If your disgruntled wife makes it, it will taste like her cries about your selfish insensitive self who doesn't care about of any of her needs and her tears. So sad. But seriously, if just want some chutney to go with...

I wonder why it's called butter milk. It's made from yogurt, and the butter's been removed. Why don't we just call it low fat, no butter yogurt? Another one of life's great mysteries. Anyway, by the end of this post you must have the theoretical know hows of how to make a decent to half decent, scratch that, you will know how to make the best fucking majjige you have ever tasted. It will be so good, you will want to live on a majjige diet for the rest of your life. Why do you think i'm so lean , and sexy.                         This is me, minus the pretty face, abs, and I usually have my pants on at all times. This is a really simple recipe.  You don't have to turn on the stove at least, there by cutting down the risk of accidentally burning the house down to zero. Unless you really do want to burn the hose down and are using this as an excuse. Which is cool by me. Just don't blame me. There are two ways to make b...

Me : Hey, can you cook? Random person, who is not necessarily not a girl : Only easy stuff like Dosas, and Chapattis... (sheepish smile)  82.36% of all Indians, (88.75% if you take only south Indians into account) claim that they can cook Dosa with ease. Only problem is Dosas are not easy to make. Sure, spreading a ladle of dosa batter on the hot tawa and flipping it over is easy. But that is not making dosa, that is merely spreading a ladle of dosa batter on the hot tawa and flipping it over. By that account, i can open a bag of chips, doesn't mean I can make them! Actually, I can make chips (sheepish smile), but that is not why. Making dosa requires years of experience, a fine understanding of the cooking utensils at your disposal, and if possible a masters degree in advanced thermodynamics. It requires the patience of a saint. Not only are you making a simple dish, but you will be experiencing transcendental bliss, a philosophical enlightenment which will enhance your liv...

Most cookery books or cookery shows teach you how to cook exotic foods. Elaborate dishes whose names are just as exotic as the places they come from. You have these internationally acclaimed chefs with chefy sounding names like Heston or Nigella teaching you how to make stuff that they promise, will leave your guests wanting for more. Here’s the thing, most people, way over 90% of them, don’t try out any of those dishes. You know this. I know that you know this. How many times has your mother or wife threatened to murder you in your sleep when you try to change channels when they are watching their favorite cookery shows? I’ve lost count of mine. And how many times have they cooked any of those dishes? That’s right. He: Honey, quick! Turn on the news! There’s an alien invasion!!! She: Not now. I’m watching Nigella make chocolate stuffed chocolate balls covered in gold wrappings, served with chocolate syrup. He: That’s just chocolate all over… You know that stare she g...