Skip to main content

The Best House MD fan fiction ever (SFW)


This was written within a week of the massive Maggi unrest of 2015. If you are a historian from the future then you should know that the past is not as great as it is made out to be.

"It's not cancer" Cameron said, distraught

"Of course it's cancer" House leaned on his wounded leg, the sharp searing pain blocking out his own doubts. "It has to be"

"House!" Foreman said, calling out on his bullshit "The radiation treatment isn't working. She's getting worse. It's not cancer"

The room fell silent for a minute. Foreman continued, calmly "We have to stop the radiation before it further weakens her immune system"

"So. What behaves like cancer when it isn't cancer?" House asked no one in particular

"It could be an infection" said Cameron

"No fever" Foreman said

"Food poisoning"

"It can't be. No..."

"You idiots!" House said, walking out of his office. Cameron and Foreman following him closely. "She's a 20 year old college student staying away from home."

"Which is diagnostically irrelevant" Foreman said. He had had enough of these games.

"Oh, but it is" House strode into the patient's room.

"House!" Cameron whined. She had had enough of his games as well.

The patient's mother got up from her chair as she saw the charade walk in.

"So" He said to the patient, "how long have you been poisoning your self?"
The patient looked confused.

"I'm sorry?!" The mother said, appalled at the accusation. "Who are you?" She turned to Dr. Cameron

"Who is he?"

"That's Dr. House. I am so sorry for his behaviour"

"There's no need to be sorry." He didn't take his yes off the patient. "Been sniffing paint lately? Is that what gets you off?"

"Dr. HOUSE!" the mother said.

"N... no" the patient muttered.

"What's your favorite food?"

"What?"

House scratched his brow, annoyed at the patient's stupidity "What's your favourite food? What do you like to eat a lot?"

"Maggi noodles"

An all knowing smile crept on his face.

"I usually eat it twice a day. Sometimes four or five times."
1pt;">

"That much Maggi on a daily basis" said House, "can deposit a large amount of lead in the system. Lead, which can neutralize the radiation treatments we have been giving her" He turned to his team and paused, to allow for the revelation to sink in to their primitive brains.

"Start her on chelation for the lead poisoning. And when the lead is flushed out of her system you can start with radiation, chemo and the usual cancer works" he looked at his team with a twinkle in his eye.


"It's still cancer"

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Peter Principle and the (Middle) Managerial Trap

If you are in any managerial position (thanks to promotions) and this is the first time you’re hearing of the Peter Principle, then you are already a lost cause.  Close this tab and go back to scrolling Instagram reels. Bye-bye. According to Wikipedia (remember that old relic, before ChatGPT became the de facto encyclopedia? Remember encyclopedia? Never mind). According to Wikipedia, the Peter Principle “observes that people in a hierarchy tend to rise to 'a level of respective incompetence’”, which means your promotions are based on how good you are at your current role. You continue to rise the rungs of corporate till you reach a position where you, and you will, suck at your job. At some point in your career, you will end up rotting away at a level you are least competent at; some place where you barely scrape by, unsure of where you’re faltering because the barometer for quality is hidden behind a thick veil of your own incompetence. Hence, the burnout.  And the desperate ...
1 comment
Read more

Clubhouse. CoWin. China.

If you feel an odd sense of deja vu while reading this piece, then you've spent too much time switching between Facebook and Clubhouse. Unless you've been living underground or in a home with ACT broadband, you know what Clubhouse is - it is where many people can have their Mann ki Baat at once. And Facebook has turned into a platform to critique, analyse and make fun of discussions that happen on Clubouse. Congrats Clubhouse, you just replaced the Indian Government, at least as far as Facebook discourses go. Clubhouse is more or less an impulsive, live podcast session - an open space where everyone is made to feel like Joe Rogan. But no one talks about DMT or shaved gorillas or MMA or shaved gorillas doing MMA while on DMT. But it always does sound like everyone is on something stronger than the devil's lettuce. Maybe you need that to hear your own thoughts over the din of uncomprehensive ramblings and mouth-breathing noises. Speaking of noises, Saudi Arabia restricted the...
1 comment
Read more

The Shadow of a Dead Hound

I was at my desk trying very hard to not pass out from the sweltering Bangalore summer heat when trouble came knocking at my door. She was wearing a wide brimmed hat and a pair of big sunglasses, which obscured her face just as much as the long, black woollen poncho obscured her figure. Just looking at her made me sweat a little more. "I need you to find a man." she said in a thick, raspy voice. She was no stranger to whiskey and cigarettes. "The marriage bureau is in the next road, lady" I said, knowing very well what she meant. But it's not every day that a poor, private dick gets to chat up a pretty lass. I wanted to make this last as long as possible. "Please mister, this is no time for jokes." she said, nervousness slipping past her sandpapery voice. Maybe it was the way she said it, but I immediately cut the crap and up straight. "Does this man have a name?" She fished out a glossy eight by ten from her purse and slid it acro...
Post a Comment
Read more